6 September 2022 22:11
This will be like an informative/personal post. It's been on my mind all day and I figured the best way to deal with it is to talk about it. I have been avoiding my ex-husband like the plague and no matter how many times I block him he just makes a new account. I feel that it's just to continue to have communication with me but I could be wrong and he might care about our daughter. I don't think that's true because legally we still have a no-contact order which he knows about and since we are divorced the only way he can get visitation is to take me to court since he didn't show up during the divorce proceedings which he also knows. If he doesn't all it takes is a quick check through the online court records.
This next sentence is going to sound absurd but I've got to be honest knowing everything I know now why is there still a small part of me that misses him? When I don't get the messages I don't think about him at all but as soon as he messages I get a tiny pain in my heart and all the self-doubt sets in. Then I look at my kids and know I made the right decision to leave because it was going to be him or me at some point. That seems to be how most domestic violence relationships end if you don't leave. I did a little research and I think I have a trauma bond. I say this because I don't know any other logical reason to explain missing a person that can abuse you, threaten your life, and cheat on you. I'm not an expert and these are just my thoughts on my situation that's why this post is listed in "My Personal Diary".
Now let's get to the informative stuff first. There are many different forms of abuse, but the two we are going to talk about today are physical and emotional. Physical abuse is when someone is physically harmed by another person. Emotional abuse is when someone is verbally or psychologically abused by another person. A trauma bond is a strong emotional connection between an abuser and their victim. This bond can make it very difficult for a victim to leave their abuser, even if the abuse is severe. Trauma bonds are common in abusive relationships, and they can form quickly. Someone who has been abused may feel like they need their abuser, even if the abuser is dangerous or hurtful. The victim may feel like they can't live without the abuser, or that they won't be able to survive on their own. This bond can be strengthened by the fact that abusers often give their victims attention and affection, which can make the victim feel special and loved.
If you read Ex-Husband Stories Part #1 you already know my ex was physically abusive to me. As far as the emotional abuse it felt like he was always wanting to argue. I would try to just walk away but he just doesn't quit. I would try to just act like it didn't hurt me the saying goes sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Whoever made that up was not telling the truth. It could be meant to be used as a motivational quote but that doesn't work all the time. I'm normally non-confrontational so walking away is easy. I could keep myself in check if he just said mean things about me but when he talks about people I love I can't just walk away from that. So once he got me to engage in an argument with him the next step was physical abuse.
An old therapist I had after we separated told me that domestic violence is all about control. I didn't realize it at the time in the relationship but looking back it makes sense. I was 100% independent when he met me. I was living on my own, owned my car, and was just living my best single mother life. Towards the end he got my car impounded too many times and I couldn't afford to get it out when he got enough money instead of getting my car out of impound he went and leased a car in his name. Which made no sense why get a car with payments when we could have a car that's paid off??? It was because then it was his and not mine. This is getting pretty long so I'll wrap things up.
I'm feeling much better now mentally just getting this all out and I hope it helps someone. I'm here to talk or listen if anybody needs a listening ear. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline on average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good. Exiting the relationship is the most unsafe time for a victim. As the abuser senses that they’re losing power, they will often act in dangerous ways to regain control over their victim. If you are in an abusive relationship, reach out to a friend or family member for support. There are also hotlines you can call, like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Unapologetically,
K