Always lashing out

29 July 2022 21:15

It seems that every day I am getting more and more irritable. When I get irritated I start to lash out. Usually, at the people, I care about and today was one of those days. As you well know I have been doing my 2-week training so my children have been with my mother for the last week. Which for me is part of the problem already. I haven't been getting a lot of quality sleep and I have someone that I work with who is just not cut out for the job. I have tried to teach this individual and it just seems like they can't comprehend what is going on or they just don't care. I'm not sure which or it could be a little of both. My commander is driving me completely insane. I have never been micromanaged this much in the entire time I have been there.

I know you're not supposed to disrespect an officer and I try not to let my mouth get me in trouble but it's like he never stops asking for things or delegating tasks. Then is annoyed when we are behind on work. I just need a list of what you wanna know or what we need to do then leave me alone. I hate working right by his desk and will be overjoyed when we move. All this is not the main point of this post though. Aria also works with me and with all that going on she tends to get the brunt of most of my irritation. Which I know is unfair to her. It is not my intention to be mean to her. With her being the best worker I have she is normally the one asking questions.

I know that isn't a healthy thing to do. She is my best friend so I am glad that she knows me so well and is so understanding. I hurt her feelings today unintentionally and I am very sorry that I did because I don't want to lose her as a friend she is very important and super special to me. I can in all honesty say that I didn't use to be this person before my ex-husband. I'm not a very confrontational person but due to that. I went through I have formed some unhealthy responses in certain situations. Recognizing that I have this problem I can now start to make better conscious choices when I feel myself slipping into that mood. I need to calmly take a breath and then communicate respectfully.

I know I can't be the only person that goes through this so what do y'all do to stop this from happening??? I thought about going to a therapist or psychiatrist. I think they do help I have nothing again in that field of medicine but personally, for me, I don't think they would do anything more than what I am already doing or what I already have. I'm talking through my feelings and I am on medication. So what more would they do??? Maybe I could try some forms of natural medicine. Like yoga or meditation. I'm not bashing modern medicine I just think not all medication works for everyone. Mine does help somewhat but I feel like there is a piece missing that would help even more.

As far back as I can remember I've struggled when it comes to coping emotionally. Normally I would just shut down but since my life has been in a downward spiral Find myself lashing at the world. It is not the world that is to blame for the situations I sometimes find myself in. All of this is a product of my own choices and lashing out at the people I love is not going to make me feel better. If anything it only makes me feel worse. of all my character flaws this is the one that bothers me the most. It doesn't align with who I am and who I strive to be in my life. I know I'm getting down on myself but I feel it necessary to try to be as honest with myself as possible. Isn't that what creating this site was supposed to help me to do If I can't be honest with myself then how do I expect others to do it?

This post has been kind of all over the place. which is exactly how I feel at the moment just kind of all over the place. I'm being pulled in so many different directions that I don't know which way is up anymore. Sleep is calling my name and I have so many things to do before then. I really can't wait for this next week to be over I feel I have earned some much-needed R&R.

Unapologetically,

K