How easy is it for you to forgive those who have caused you pain?

08 August 2022 22:24

I'm trying to come up with some more informative posts but until then this is what I got. I think that I forgive easily, but I don’t forget what you do to me. I haven’t always been this way though. I would allow people to hurt me over and over and still allow them to stay in my life. I only just learned to walk away from negative things not too long ago. If you ask my ex-husband, I’m bitter about what he did to me and that’s why I don’t speak to him or let him speak to our daughter. I don’t feel as if I’m bitter, I forgave him for what he did to me. I just know that he uses our daughter as a pawn to communicate with me. He never fought this hard for his first son. Yes, I understand he was in jail for several years, but when he got out, he wasn’t harassing his son’s mother the way he harasses me. We have a no-contact order for a reason, and I tried to allow some contact when I filed for divorce, but he never called to set it up. I have tried several times to allow my child to answer and talk to him without me having to speak to him, but if I say don’t speak to me or about me why does he still feel the need to try to speak to me if he is calling to talk to our child.

He acts like I still want him, but no sir you put your hands on me numerous times and because I kept taking you back DCS was trying to remove my children. No one is more important to me than my children. I honestly feel like I wasn’t in love with him I was in love with his potential. Every man I have ever dated never treated me the way I should have been treated and I just accepted it or took them back, so they never felt the need to treat me better. I’m not saying I was perfect in relationships I was only ever unfaithful in my last relationship, but he was as well so the best thing he could have done was leave. I always took however anyone including friends, family, and significant others because I didn’t feel that I was worth anything better. In my heart, I knew I deserved better but was afraid of them leaving if I stood up for myself or didn’t give them what they wanted.

I feel that all of that contributed to my mental health issues. I was talking to Aria earlier today about how much happier and freer I feel finally living for myself and doing what makes me happy. I still have a long way to go to hopefully find mental stability, but I’m slowly getting there. I take my medication and by writing this blog I’m getting my feelings out instead of internalizing them. I’m starting to speak up for myself more and finally doing things that make me happy even if others don’t like it. I stopped looking for my validation from other people and started finding it within myself.

I used to wonder how people stay in situations that are not for them. I never thought I would be the woman to stay in an abusive relationship or constantly take back a man who was cheating on me until that woman was me. Now that my children are getting older, I’m trying to teach them how they should be treated and how to treat others. I don’t want them to find themselves in relationships like the ones I have had. It’s sad that I am 35 and just now coming into my own. I placed so much weight on how others thought of me that I never got to figure out who I am or what I wanted out of life. When I started this blog, I decided I was going to do what I needed to do for myself because how can I expect my children to learn this basic skill if I am not doing it myself?

Unapologetically,

K