Personal Stories

26 July 2022 18:48

So I've been having an internal struggle with myself about how open I can be. As I said before I wrote one story and was in the process of writing another story about some of my past trauma. I ended up just leaving them in drafts. I didn't want to put something out there that would bring up past trauma for other people by even mentioning that the stories were triggering. I was speaking to one of my best friends who we will call Aria to get an outside opinion. She says that I should just put the stores out there because I've done everything I can to warn the reader and they could help someone.

So I will be finishing the second story and reposting the first story after I finish this post. I've been having a rough few days without the kids. You would think that with no one here I would be getting more sleep but I'm actually getting less and when I come home I haven't even slept in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch. So I recently discovered that my ex-husband's mother is on some of my social media pages that I didn't know about. I don't talk about him on my personal Facebook but on the page, I created for this site I do. I don't think she knows about that page and I'm not completely sure if we are friends on Facebook. I will show the connection here shortly. What I didn't know is that she follows me on TikTok. I'm not afraid to share my stories it's the fact that I'm certain she has seen the videos and will tell him that they are out there. Even though we have a no-contact order he will still try contacting/harassing me.

That is what bothers me about her watching my page. So I have been a little apprehensive about posting. I haven't completely put my finger on what the emotion is but it's not fear that gives me pause about sharing stories about him. When I first started this site I had made completely new profiles on all my social media apps just for this very reason. I did not want certain people in my life to know what I was writing and possibly make relationships worse because I shared certain things. I can't let that mental block hold me back from speaking out. I know the adoption story that I'm going to share after this may not portray my biological mother in the best light at all times, but I have to tell the truth. What I can be grateful for is that she has come a long way from where she was. She is always there to support me and the kids, she is an awesome grandmother so please don't post negative things when this story comes out because she is not the same person anymore.

I know this post is probably going all over the place but I've been holding these feelings in and this is to help me just as much as it is to help others. I have been out of work for almost 5 months now. I just feel like a failure of a mother. I lost my car because I couldn't afford the payments. I am playing the money shuffle with my bills because I missed a month of rent, my electric bill is always on disconnect, I'm 2 payments behind on the cell phone bill, and I can't even afford to buy my son diapers. I'm looking for work, but depending on the work hours and the distance from our home I would have to get a babysitter for the kids. So if I have no car how do I even get them there? I know there is public transportation as an option. I just can't imagine what that would look like because before I lost my job and my kids were in daycare they couldn't attend the same one so I had to drop them off in 2 separate places before I drove to work. So what happens now if I was working because buses don't wait and it could be anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour before another comes.

So am I supposed to leave 3 hours before I need to be at work and then make that same trip to get home??? Never mind the 10-15 walk to the bus stop and there isn't even a sidewalk to walk on to get there. I know it may seem like excuses that is not what I am trying to do I'm just telling y'all the truth. I'm still looking for jobs so we shall see how that works out. It is hard to admit that I'm not doing so great in the finance department right now. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I could let this happen not because of myself but because I have innocent children depending on me. I feel like a horrible parent that I can't even afford to buy my children what they need and that I'm depending on friends and family to support us. I have 2 of my baby daddies on child support and one hasn't ever paid and the other barely pays. So when they say to make sure you know the person before you have children with them I'm here as a witness to say that is so very true.

I'm not looking for pity or sympathy this is just everything that has been weighing me down that I don't share with anyone and I don't want to keep internalizing the worry and stress anymore. It is weighing me down. Well I'm going to stop here all this emotional stuff I have been holding in and am now dumping onto the internet for all to see is getting to me and I need to stop before I have a breakdown. So I will be taking a nap because I still have to finish writing the adoption story. I will not be able to finish that in my current mental state where it is so be looking for that post late tonight or maybe not until tomorrow sometime.

Unapologetically,

K