Sons and Daughters Day (11th August)

11 August 2022 20:34

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and never finished it. I figured why not have a post in honor of my children? As I have said before I have 4 wonderful children 2 girls and 2 boys. I had another son, but he passed in 2006 at 34 days old. That is something I don’t wish on my worst enemy. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss him. My children are the best thing in my life. They are the reason I wake up every day and they are my motivation to succeed. I know I don’t post a lot about Boss, but right now he is staying with my adoptive mother for school. So, I’m pretty much at her mercy when it comes to seeing him.

Today wasn’t the best day in my parenting journey. Boss got in trouble for misbehaving on the bus so as his punishment he wasn’t allowed to come home for the weekend, he lost his PlayStation, and his cell phone. I have been kind of thinking of bringing him back home for a while now, but after today I’m thinking that would be the best decision. I feel invalidated as his mother. I tried to voice my feelings to my adoptive mom, but she doesn’t hear me. It’s not like I lost custody of him, so I don’t know why I feel as if I have no say in decisions that are made about my son.

I know this post is to celebrate my children, but this is weighing on me. The most important thing in my life is being a mother to my children. I don’t think my mom will be happy about my decision to bring him home, but I can’t carry on feeling the way I’m feeling. I’m trying to keep myself uplifted so that I say what I need to say about my son. I think the fear of what might happen and never really speaking up to my mom has me second guessing telling her I want him home. I know it seems odd that it’s hard for me to speak up to my mom seeing as I’m an adult and his mother, but when you’ve spent so many years staying quiet it’s a hard habit to break.

I just hope she takes it well. Considering he just started school I’m not sure if now is the best time. Maybe I should wait until Christmas break to move his schools. Regardless of when I just know I need to let my mom know he will be coming back home. I feel like the understanding we had when he first started staying there is not where she sees things anymore. This was not meant to be a permanent thing it was only temporary. So why did I let this go on for so long???

Even though I have been wanting him I didn’t think to ask him if he wanted to come home. I feel he thinks I don’t want him home. I didn’t think to ask him if he wanted to come back home. I try to keep the lines of communication open with my children, but I feel that Boss has some of the traits I have where he won’t say how he is feeling for fear of rejection or hurting someone’s feelings. I wanted to ask him if he wants to move back home, but I can’t have a private conversation with him because I don’t want to put him on the spot. I want him to say how he actually feels. Not what I want to hear or what he thinks my mom wants to hear.

I don’t know if anyone in my family reads this blog, but I couldn’t sleep with all the emotions weighing on me. I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings, but he is my son and should be home with me and the rest of his siblings. I could just be projecting or painting things the way I want to see them, but I feel that a lot of his behavioral issues stem from him possibly feeling like I sent him away. His punishment today wasn’t just a punishment for him. It was a punishment for all of us as well. When I told my mom that I felt him not being able to come home was not right she basically said that he got in trouble there so he should do his punishment there.

I’m not just some friend asking him to stay the night. I’m his mom and whatever punishment he was doing there he could have still done here. That is basically like one of my children getting in trouble and I tell them they can’t go to their father’s house on his visitation weekend. Am I wrong??? Am I only seeing this from my side and not seeing her side??? Y’all let me know in the comments. I need to work on content for the other ventures and this post is getting long.

I know I spent this whole post talking about negatives instead of positives of Parenting. I love my children more than anything in this world. I would move Heaven and Earth for every one of them. They are truly the best part of me, and I wouldn’t trade being their mom for anything in the world. Happy belated Sons and Daughters Day.

Unapologetically,

K