Waiting for my True Love

14 July 2022 04:54

As I am sitting here watching Good Witch season 5 episodes 1 and 2 Called Tale of Two Hearts, it got me thinking about love. I might just be a hopeless romantic because I truly believe in true love. That's part of the reason I married my ex-husband. When I method I wasn't looking for a relationship. That's what I thought kind of made it true love it just shows up when you aren't looking. When my marriage ended, I again wasn't looking I just was having fun and then I got into the relationship with DJ but I think that was more of a rebound than anything else. I had gotten out of a really bad relationship, and he was the opposite of my husband in terms of how he treated me. Now it kind of just feels like I'm going to be alone forever since no relationship has ever lasted. I'm starting to feel that I'm not good enough. Also like I said I'm introverted and a single mother so it's hard for me to get out and meet people. I had an old-school mom who raised me and taught me that a mother should be home to put her kids in bed at night unless it's for work. So, she doesn't just watch my children for me to go club. I'm not saying she doesn't get the kids other than when I work. She is a very present, loving, and helpful grandmother, but I don't call her so I can go on dates on out to the clubs with my friends. Now even if my kids aren't home, I would rather stay home than be out in the streets.

I know that everyone needs self-care time for their mental wellness, but without my kids, I don't know what to do with myself. Which I feel is kind of problematic because if my whole Identity is tied to my children and motherhood, I feel like I have nothing else to offer. I'm 35 years old and at this age, I should have a better idea of who I am and what I want to do with my life. I honestly have no clue about either. I have been a people pleaser for most of my life, so I also just did what others wanted me to do and been whom everyone wanted me to be. After my husband, I decided I would do more of what made me happy and not be so concerned with others' opinions of me.

I just recently was going through a dark spot in my life mentally and that kind of prompted this new change into blogging. I'm trying to finish breaking through the box to figure out who I am or want to be. I just want to find my happiness within myself and with the person whom I spend my life with. It's been almost 2 years since my last relationship, and I still don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I know I haven't worked through my trust issues and I'm not where I need to be in life yet. I'm working on myself, especially by writing these posts. The only thing missing is someone to talk back to me. I talk to my friends, but I sometimes wonder if they are just telling me what I want to hear. I hope that by the time someone reads this I'm not in the same space.

Unapologetically,

K